Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life

A lot of us grew up believing the hard way is the better way, so when our kids struggle (or we do), we assume that the answer is to exert more effort. That can leave you feeling like you’re failing at something you “should” be able to power through.

Wearing yourself out trying to push a tween or teen toward better habits is one of the most common, and most exhausting, parts of parenting. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

Even world-class athletes don’t achieve their goals on willpower alone. Psychologist Angela Duckworth, who has spent her career studying grit, explains that they set up their surroundings to make the work easier. Teens are especially attuned to the norms around them, so the school, peers, and neighborhood can play a powerful role in shaping their behavior .

That means you have more say than you think. Dr. Lisa and Angela talk about doing what you can to shape the environment around your teen and why working to create contexts that make hard work easier to do is smart, not lazy. Consider this your permission to stop doing everything the hard way.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide. Angela Duckworth is the Rosa Lee and Egbert Chang Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Grit.

________________ 



GET DR. DAMOUR'S FREE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

Guidance, strategies, and tips delivered straight to your inbox → ⁠⁠https://drlisadamour.com/sign-up-for-my-newsletter/⁠⁠

 DR. DAMOUR'S BESTSELLING BOOKS

- Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood – ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/UntangledBook⁠⁠

- Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls – ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/UnderPressuretheBook⁠⁠

- The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents – ⁠⁠https://a.co/d/cbOmTKp⁠⁠

 UNTANGLING 10TO20 MEMBERSHIP

Premium courses & resources for teens and the adults who care for them → ⁠⁠https://lnkd.in/gr52MB-F⁠⁠

 VISIT DR. LISA'S WEBSITE → ⁠⁠https://drlisadamour.com/⁠⁠

________________



Today's sponsors:

Cash App: For a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use code: FAMILY10.

Understood: Check out Zero Rejects wherever you listen to podcasts.

Warby Parker: Buy one prescription pair of glasses and get 20% off any additional prescription pairs at ⁠https://www.WarbyParker.com/ASKLISA ⁠⁠




Download Cash App today and make your money work for you. Click here to get started: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/0xxwl6dd #CashAppPartner

Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement), Sutton debit flex card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/debit-flex-card-agreement-sutton), and Bancorp debit flex card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/debit-flex-card-agreement-bancorp). Savings provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Parents and legal guardians can open a managed account for kids 6-12. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.


________________



Parenting a tween or teen? Buckle up. Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life tackles the questions that keep parents up at night — academics, friendships, mental health, screens, meltdowns, and more.

Every week, psychologist Lisa Damour teams up with a different expert to answer a real parent's real question — no fluff, no judgment, just practical, evidence-based advice you can actually use. Dr. Damour and her colleagues also turn their attention to the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids — the moments that leave you feeling uneasy, overwhelmed, or just plain alone.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to hit play.



________________



Episode keywords: Angela Duckworth, grit, situated, parenting tweens and teens, how to help teenagers make good choices, teen behavior and environment, choosing the right school for your teen, school culture and teen wellbeing, teen peer pressure, helping teens find positive friends, how to support an anxious teenager, preventing bullying at school, building healthy habits for teens, parenting teenagers with less conflict, adolescent development and social norms, how neighborhoods affect kids’ wellbeing



Podcast keywords: ask lisa podcast, dr lisa damour, reena ninan, psychology, parenting, podcast, teens, tweens, parenting teens, parenting tweens, teen parenting, tween parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, positive parenting, parenting podcast, teen behavior, tween challenges, raising tweens, raising teens, parenting hacks, parenting help, family dynamics, kids podcast, mental health, teen mental health, attachment styles, emotional intelligence
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Your seventh grader walks in the door in tears because the group chat just made it painfully clear she’s being pushed out (this time, over Halloween costumes), and now you're wondering whether to coach her on what to say or stay quiet so you don't make it worse.

Here’s the good news: this is a typical - if painful - experience in middle school and early high school. Friendships and social standing get reshuffled as kids test out independence and figure out where they belong. At the same time, the pause-and-think skills that can help them handle tricky group dynamics are still under construction (and it doesn’t help that the group chat moves fast!). Dr. Tori Cordiano walks us through why costume conflict can feel so painful and why it’s often a window into bigger social shifts.

You'll come away with guidance on how to offer effective support: from taking the hurt seriously, to asking if your teen wants to vent or problem-solve, to helping your teen figure out next steps. This is also a perfect moment to help our kids pause before posting and exit a harmful chat without losing face. You don't have to fix it; being the steady person at home is already a big part of the job.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide.

Dr. Tori Cordiano is a licensed clinical psychologist, speaker, and writer specializing in child and adolescent development. In her private practice, she provides comprehensive evaluations, parent consultation, and psychotherapy, alongside a virtual course for parents on executive functioning and a regular newsletter. Dr. Cordiano also serves as a consulting psychologist and Co-Director of the Center for Research for Girls at Laurel School.



 GET DR. DAMOUR'S FREE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

Guidance, strategies, and tips delivered straight to your inbox → ⁠https://drlisadamour.com/sign-up-for-my-newsletter/⁠

 DR. DAMOUR'S BESTSELLING BOOKS

- Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood – ⁠https://bit.ly/UntangledBook⁠

- Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls – ⁠https://bit.ly/UnderPressuretheBook⁠

- The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents – ⁠https://a.co/d/cbOmTKp⁠

 UNTANGLING 10TO20 MEMBERSHIP

Premium courses & resources for teens and the adults who care for them → ⁠https://lnkd.in/gr52MB-F⁠

 VISIT DR. LISA'S WEBSITE → ⁠https://drlisadamour.com/⁠

________________



Today's sponsors:

Oak Essentials: Use the code ASKLISA for 15% off your next purchase at ⁠https://www.Oakessentials.com.

Orion Sleep: Get 15% off your next purchase at ⁠https://www.OrionSleep.com/AskLisa.

Understood: Check out Zero Rejects wherever you listen to podcasts.Wayfair: Visit ⁠⁠https://wayfair.com⁠.

________________



Parenting a tween or teen? Buckle up. Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life tackles the questions that keep parents up at night — academics, friendships, mental health, screens, meltdowns, and more.

Every week, psychologist Lisa Damour teams up with a different expert to answer a real parent's real question — no fluff, no judgment, just practical, evidence-based advice you can actually use. Dr. Damour and her colleagues also turn their attention to the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids — the moments that leave you feeling uneasy, overwhelmed, or just plain alone.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to hit play.

________________



Episode keywords: middle school friendship drama, tween left out by friends, daughter excluded from friend group, how to help a child feel left out, seventh grade friendship problems, tween girl friendship issues, Halloween group costume drama, kids arguing over Halloween costumes, middle school group chat drama, how to handle tween group chat conflict, helping tweens navigate friendship changes, parenting social conflict in middle school, supporting a child without fixing the problem



Podcast keywords: ask lisa podcast, dr lisa damour, reena ninan, psychology, parenting, podcast, teens, tweens, parenting teens, parenting tweens, teen parenting, tween parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, positive parenting, parenting podcast, teen behavior, tween challenges, raising tweens, raising teens, parenting hacks, parenting help, family dynamics, kids podcast, mental health, teen mental health, attachment styles, emotional intelligence
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're thinking about signing your kid up for a travel-heavy club team with a price tag that makes you wince - and a co-parent who sees the whole thing differently. Might saying yes to club sports support your talented kid while undermining the rest of family life?

It's a miserable spot to be in. We don’t want to hold our kids back, but we also worry about what club sports might cost our families in terms of time, money, and togetherness. 

The good news: our kids are still figuring out who they are, what they’re good at, and what they love. Their enjoyment and motivation matter far more than locking into one path early, and that gives you more room than the sports world tends to admit.

Three-time Olympian and mom of three Lauren Regula joins Lisa to talk about how her family has handled the challenges that come with today’s youth sports landscape. You'll learn how to figure out what level of play fits your kid and your family, how to set boundaries before the sports schedule takes over your calendar, and how to protect time for other interests and family time. 

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide. Lauren Bay Regula is a three-time Olympian and bronze medalist with Softball Canada, speaker, coach and a mom of three young athletes.

________________ 



GET DR. DAMOUR'S FREE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

Guidance, strategies, and tips delivered straight to your inbox → ⁠⁠https://drlisadamour.com/sign-up-for-my-newsletter/⁠⁠

 DR. DAMOUR'S BESTSELLING BOOKS

- Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood – ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/UntangledBook⁠⁠

- Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls – ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/UnderPressuretheBook⁠⁠

- The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents – ⁠⁠https://a.co/d/cbOmTKp⁠⁠

 UNTANGLING 10TO20 MEMBERSHIP

Premium courses & resources for teens and the adults who care for them → ⁠⁠https://lnkd.in/gr52MB-F⁠⁠

 VISIT DR. LISA'S WEBSITE → ⁠⁠https://drlisadamour.com/⁠⁠

________________



Today's sponsors:

Jones Road Beauty:  Use the code ASKLISA for a free full sized Mascara with your first purchase at ⁠https://www.jonesroadbeauty.com⁠.

Momentous: Get up to 35% off your first order with promo code ASKLISA at ⁠https://www.livemomentous.com⁠

OneSkin: Use the code ASKLISA for 15% off your next purchase at ⁠https://www.oneskin.co/ASKLISA⁠.

________________



Parenting a tween or teen? Buckle up. Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life tackles the questions that keep parents up at night — academics, friendships, mental health, screens, meltdowns, and more.

Every week, psychologist Lisa Damour teams up with a different expert to answer a real parent's real question — no fluff, no judgment, just practical, evidence-based advice you can actually use. Dr. Damour and her colleagues also turn their attention to the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids — the moments that leave you feeling uneasy, overwhelmed, or just plain alone.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to hit play.

________________



Episode keywords: youth sports pressure, club sports for kids, travel sports pros and cons, is club soccer worth it, choosing a youth sports team, balancing sports and family time, parenting a talented young athlete, youth sports burnout, sports parent pressure, kids sports time commitment, expensive youth sports, letting kids quit sports, keeping kids motivated in sports, multi-sport athletes, healthy boundaries in youth sports, college sports recruiting pressure



Podcast keywords: ask lisa podcast, dr lisa damour, reena ninan, psychology, parenting, podcast, teens, tweens, parenting teens, parenting tweens, teen parenting, tween parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, positive parenting, parenting podcast, teen behavior, tween challenges, raising tweens, raising teens, parenting hacks, parenting help, family dynamics, kids podcast, mental health, teen mental health, attachment styles, emotional intelligence
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Right now, a lot of families are thinking about how to talk with their kids — especially their sons — about consent and how sexual partners deserve to be treated. And if you find something graphic on your teen's screen, you face another challenging question: what is this actually teaching my teen, and is it already too late to do something about it?

Here's what makes this conversation more important than ever: according to Common Sense Media, 73% of U.S. teens have seen online pornography by age 17 — boys and girls encounter it at nearly the same rate, but boys are considerably more likely to go looking for it on purpose, and most teens who do seek it out are watching at least weekly. This isn't a rare or fringe exposure. It's closer to a near-universal one, and repeated viewing can genuinely shape what a teen thinks sex, desire, and respect are supposed to look like, often before they've had much–if any–real-world experience to compare it to.

Dr. Tori Cordiano leads us through why compulsive porn use in teens is so difficult to interrupt once it starts, why infinite-scroll content is built to exploit that wiring, and how ADHD and dopamine-seeking behavior intersect. We also explore how repeated exposure to graphic content can shape teen sexual development— and what that has to do with the values conversation so many families are having right now.

This means you've got real levers to pull — setting clear device rules, treating ADHD if it’s present, and having short, calm conversations instead of one big awkward talk. Whether you're trying to stop a teen from watching porn altogether or just want to know what to do next, you don't have to solve this in one sit-down, and you don't have to do it alone.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide.

Dr. Tori Cordiano is a licensed clinical psychologist, speaker, and writer specializing in child and adolescent development. In her private practice, she provides comprehensive evaluations, parent consultation, and psychotherapy, alongside a virtual course for parents on executive functioning and a regular newsletter. Dr. Cordiano also serves as a consulting psychologist and Co-Director of the Center for Research for Girls at Laurel School.

This episode does not reference any specific news story or legal case.

________________ 



GET DR. DAMOUR'S FREE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

Guidance, strategies, and tips delivered straight to your inbox → ⁠⁠https://drlisadamour.com/sign-up-for-my-newsletter/⁠⁠

 DR. DAMOUR'S BESTSELLING BOOKS

- Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood – ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/UntangledBook⁠⁠

- Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls – ⁠⁠https://bit.ly/UnderPressuretheBook⁠⁠

- The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents – ⁠⁠https://a.co/d/cbOmTKp⁠⁠

 UNTANGLING 10TO20 MEMBERSHIP

Premium courses & resources for teens and the adults who care for them → ⁠⁠https://lnkd.in/gr52MB-F⁠⁠

 VISIT DR. LISA'S WEBSITE → ⁠⁠https://drlisadamour.com/⁠⁠

________________



Today's sponsors:

Goodr: Get $10 off your first order at https://www.goodr.com/ASKLISA

Jones Road Beauty:  Use the code ASKLISA for a free full sized Mascara with your first purchase at ⁠https://www.jonesroadbeauty.com⁠.

Shopify: Sign up for your free trial today at ⁠https://www.shopify.com/asklisa⁠

Orion Sleep: Get 15% off your next purchase at ⁠https://www.OrionSleep.com/AskLisa

________________



Parenting a tween or teen? Buckle up. Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life tackles the questions that keep parents up at night — academics, friendships, mental health, screens, meltdowns, and more.

Every week, psychologist Lisa Damour teams up with a different expert to answer a real parent's real question — no fluff, no judgment, just practical, evidence-based advice you can actually use. Dr. Damour and her colleagues also turn their attention to the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids — the moments that leave you feeling uneasy, overwhelmed, or just plain alone.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to hit play.

________________



Episode keywords: teen porn addiction, teen pornography addiction, teen porn problem, child watching porn, teen watching porn, ADHD and porn, ADHD dopamine addiction, compulsive porn use teen, stop teen watching porn, teen internet addiction, teen screen addiction, son watching porn what to do, teen sexual development and porn, help for teen porn addiction, talking to your son about consent, how porn affects teen relationships, raising boys to respect women



Podcast keywords: ask lisa podcast, dr lisa damour, reena ninan, psychology, parenting, podcast, teens, tweens, parenting teens, parenting tweens, teen parenting, tween parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, positive parenting, parenting podcast, teen behavior, tween challenges, raising tweens, raising teens, parenting hacks, parenting help, family dynamics, kids podcast, mental health, teen mental health, attachment styles, emotional intelligence
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Your sobbing middle schooler has just seen a Snapchat of their friend group hanging out without them and feels devastated …and you have no idea whether you should call the other parents, try to help your child cheer up, or just stay out of it.

Watching kids be excluded by friends they’ve had for years often leaves parents feeling bewildered, upset, helpless - or all of the above. Feeling angry on your kid’s behalf and wanting to rush to the rescue are completely understandable reactions. But you’ll want to take a beat and listen to this episode before acting. 

Michelle Icard joins us today to break down how tweens going through social exclusion at school are usually just testing out new friends and identities. Old friendships don't always grow at the same pace and some kids get left out in the process.

Your job isn't to engineer the friendship back together. It's to tend to your own feelings (perhaps hitting the gym, talking with a friend, or consulting with a clinician), then sit with your kid and ask what might help them feel even a little better today. Painful social shifts, including periods of feeling socially adrift, can ultimately foster resilience, independence, and the skills needed to build new friendships and interests.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide. Michelle Icard is a middle-school parenting expert with over 20 years of experience helping families navigate early adolescence. She is the author of Middle School Makeover, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, and Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success.

________________



 GET DR. DAMOUR'S FREE WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

Guidance, strategies, and tips delivered straight to your inbox → ⁠https://drlisadamour.com/sign-up-for-my-newsletter/⁠

 DR. DAMOUR'S BESTSELLING BOOKS

- Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood – ⁠https://bit.ly/UntangledBook⁠

- Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls – ⁠https://bit.ly/UnderPressuretheBook⁠

- The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents – ⁠https://a.co/d/cbOmTKp⁠

 UNTANGLING 10TO20 MEMBERSHIP

Premium courses & resources for teens and the adults who care for them → ⁠https://lnkd.in/gr52MB-F⁠

 VISIT DR. LISA'S WEBSITE → ⁠https://drlisadamour.com/⁠



________________



Today's sponsors:

Masterclass: Get 15% off any annual membership at https://www.masterclass.com/ASKLISA

Simple Practice: Sign up for a free 7-day trial, and get 50% off your first three months at https://www.simplepractice.com.

Wayfair: Visit ⁠⁠https://wayfair.com⁠.

Cash App: For a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use code: FAMILY10.


Download Cash App today and make your money work for you. Click here to get started: ⁠https://click.cash.app/ui6m/0xxwl6dd⁠ #CashAppPartner

Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement), Sutton debit flex card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/debit-flex-card-agreement-sutton), and Bancorp debit flex card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/debit-flex-card-agreement-bancorp). Savings provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Parents and legal guardians can open a managed account for kids 6-12. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.


________________



Episode keywords: tween left out by friends, teen left out by friends, daughter excluded by friends, middle school girl drama, middle school friendship problems, tween friendship struggles, teen friendship issues, mean girl behavior, social exclusion at school, how to help excluded child, my child has no friends at school, coping with friend drama, middle school friend group, mixed messages from friends, parenting tween friendships, supporting socially isolated teen, what to do when friends leave you out



Podcast keywords: ask lisa podcast, dr lisa damour, reena ninan, psychology, parenting, podcast, teens, tweens, parenting teens, parenting tweens, teen parenting, tween parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, positive parenting, parenting podcast, teen behavior, tween challenges, raising tweens, raising teens, parenting hacks, parenting help, family dynamics, kids podcast, mental health, teen mental health, attachment styles, emotional intelligence
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices